Halloween Safety Tips

With Halloween upon us, it is worthwhile to remember a few simple rules to help keep this season healthy, happy and SAFE!! Please use these helpful hints this and every year. Happy Halloween!!!!!

Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had almost a full tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely will be eaten.

Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.

If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.

Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt at midnight. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

In general do not search the basement or attic at night, especially if the power has gone out.

When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone. However, if you do go searching for something, please dress appropriately. Women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight, not a candle. So when you find out that it's just the cat that caused that very loud noise you can GET THE HELL OUT!

If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out. (RUN if it is during a power outage.)

If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around. And don't set up camp there if your car breaks down. Just start walking as fast as possible.

Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing. Also never test it on yourself!

If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it will still be moving fast enough to catch up with you.

When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead. Trust me, it's not!

If you only see your new neighbors up and about at night and they have very pale skin, red lips and they love wearing the color black, stay away from them during the full moon and Halloween night.

If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.

If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell. Do not mention the names of demons around open flames, as these can flare suddenly. Be especially careful of fireplaces in this regard.

In fact NEVER ever read a book of demon-summoning aloud, even as a joke. Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside. And do not take ANYTHING from the dead.